Fabulous!

Omg, you guys. Today was sooo crazy it’s not even funny. It’s HIGHLARIOUS!!! I decided to have a dinner party with my husband, Paulie Tamale, grandmother, Gloria Keppler, and little boy, Billy Ballsinmyface. I whipped up a lovely salad of fresh greens, peppers, carrot slices, and feta cheese, tossed in a lovely French dressing. However, I forgot the cucumbers, so Granny’s fiber levels were all off. She drank a few glasses of wine which put her in her usual mindset.

Right from the get-go, my husband was very angry. He was a general Debbie Downer the entire time, and Grandma was so drunk she couldn’t even remember what her name was. Thankfully she had her cigarettes handy, so she was quiet.

Little Billy showed up with his balloons, which I had told him not to do. However, his piece of shit father refused to do anything about it, and claimed Billy was not his child! Amazing, since the resemblance is SO there.

Pretty soon after, this strange woman showed up claiming to be Paulie’s secretary. Unlikely, considering my husband’s secretary is super hot and he frequently fucks her brains out. This woman then tried to sit at my table! I yelled at her and said NO! BAD UGLY BITCH! She smelled like rancid champagne that was puked up by Nicole Richie’s unborn fetus. Grrrross!

Pretty soon after, we noticed something strange going on around the house. All of a sudden, three tribal warriors jumped up and surrounded Effin! Holy shiz, they were powerful! The leader sprung to attack Effin, but luckily she beat the bitch down with her high heeled stiletto from Armidi Gisaci.

I was super angry, so at this point I changed into my fighting gear and pulled out my favorite sex toy, my Xcite! Buggy Whip. I whipped those hoes back to 1969 and they ran away crying and hollerin’.

After this escapade, I was inspired by my inner Macy Grey and divafied myself. Amen, sista, amen!

Love,

Briar xoxo